"I have fallen in love with someone that is already in a committed relationship. How did I get here and What do I do about it?"
PART of falling in love with someone who is committed to someone else I think can find it's roots in an underdeveloped value system. Why? Because an undeveloped value system does not support the desires a person has for long term commitment that is sought after consistently. Before we go further...I get it....nobody likes to be told their value system may be a little off....but let me explain further...the instability found at one level of compromise in a person's values presents itself in an unstable manner at the more advanced stages of relationship. My thoughts are this...You can't really satisfy your needs or someone else's if you don't have a stable frame of reference to draw from .... Beliefs, behaviors, and even actions can emerge with chaotic unpredictability to undermine efforts to have a decent relationship. The work of understanding your value system along with the "kinks" in it can help you resolve the issues that navigate your choices for the committed over the available.
For example...I mean...if a person wants a true relationship but doesn't believe they can have that true relationship, then they will act out what they believe not what they want. If by chance they really go for what they want, they will not have the insight to keep it without a belief system that supports their desire. The belief system can in most instances be identified through the values one practices. In other words...the person gets down with the "unfavorable relationship" because they don't believe they can do better.
Checking our beliefs about what we can truly have can become a marker to evaluate why we allow some things that would otherwise be an aversion to our desired goals. Equally it can help to identify traits that would make a person compromise their true desires for a quick fix instead, regardless of how wreckless it may be. The person may in reality be dealing with self esteem issues stemming from a person's past or under exposure to positive experiences that support a strong belief system which constitutes the values that govern our choices.
Crisis, Stress, and Distortions
Crisis and stress has a way of distorting the focus of what a person thinks they want without appropriate evaluation and processing. Another reason for a person to get connected with a good counselor to help them process through these unproductive belief patterns so that they can finally get on to the life they want to live instead of living a lie because they don't believe they can have anything else. The Bible says faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Faith is now but growing in faith is also a process that confronts old systems of belief with new. Then demands the surrender of old ways revealed as no longer relevant. C.
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Calvin Smith MA
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Calvin L Smith, MA, LPC
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Oklahoma City, OK 73112