While You Were Away...

While you were away...


Have you ever felt the cold chill of insecurity when your self proclaimed "significant other" leaves your presence? There are two reasons for this feeling.

1. You don't know each other as well as you need to feel confident in the person that you are in a relationship with.

2. Your trust hasn't developed enough to be able to be fully confident in who you are to each other. There are some ways to strengthen your confidence in each other. In this segment we will talk about ways to strengthen your confidence in your partner while you are apart ...

from each other.

1. Know what you need to be secure.
2. Explain what you need to your partner.
3. Don't belittle, demean, or criticize your partner when they express what they need.
4. Develop a routine that will help them get past those difficult transitions. Some common transitions for a developing relationship in it's early stages of development may be..

• Leaving in the morning
• Greetings
• Meeting new people together
• When an old dating partner calls
• When unexpected phone calls are received
• When there is an abrupt interruption to a date

Insensitivity to the kinds of feelings that may be generated by an uncalculated experience could have a devastating impact on your relationship if you both are not able to skillfully manage your perceptions.  I have provided some skills that I believe can go a long way towards managing compromised perceptions. They are as follows:

1. Reassurance. When you are apart something as simple as an "I love you" or "I was just thinking about you" may go along way. It discounts feelings of rejection or insecurity by reinforcing a sense of value your partner has from you.

2. Affirmation that they are the person you are interested in. A true confidence builder is when you give a reassuring word like: " I am so glad we met. You make my day a better one." This also promotes a sense of value. 

3. Acknowledging the effort that your partner puts into creating special moments. If you find that your partner does not go out of their way to create special moments...they may be facing some challenges with their confidence in creating situations that you will like. Acknowledging their effort can help them build momentum in their motivation to be more creative and expressive in your relationship.

4. Listening to your partner. Understanding your partner's struggles with insecurity, will require that you talk about their past. It may help you to see how those experiences shape their perceptions of reality. Validating their very real feelings, can help them to place these perceptions in proper context. Developing a filter between what happened in their past and what they are developing with you in the present is necessary for them to move past the barriers of challenges like low self confidence and overgeneralized mistrust of partnerships. 

5. Don't discount your ability to make a difference. Now that we've talked about those other factors, let's also keep in mind that it is your privilege and responsibility in your relationship to create the experiences that you want. This can be both fun and rewarding as you pursue ways to introduce new experiences to replace the damaged experiences of yesterday. Some days may be more successful than others but each experience adds up towards replacing a damaged past with a promising present and future. Rome wasn't build in a day and neither were lasting relationships of quality. Getting to know each other is a process not an event that requires time, patience, understanding, communication, and forgiveness. The better you get at meeting each others needs instead of succumbing to each others fears and frustrations, the more likely your relationship will develop the resiliency to go the distance in my opinion.

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